The road to weightloss

I have been overweight most of my life. When I was seven I was separated from my mother and by the age of eight I was fat and I have stayed that way ever since. The closest I got to being just overweight and not obese was when I was sixteen and even then I was in a size 18. As I grew up from high school and went from relationship to relationship I got bigger. The more I realized I was being drained by a bad relationship the more weight I would put on. I had tried every diet in the world it seemed. Alas, none of them ever worked. Eventually I hit major depression and it was hard to even leave the house.

The world stigmatizes large people in such a way that it cripples our lives. We are viewed as outsiders and begin to believe we are worth nothing anymore. Every man I met I began to think "better latch on because you won't find anyone else". I found it hard to make friends....real true friends. I have experienced being the fat friend. You know the one that makes the other person look better. As time went on I lost confidence in myself. I began to think I couldn't possibly be smart because I must be lazy just like everyone thinks I am. I can't do anything spontaneous because I must be the uninteresting nice girl everyone thinks I am. I decided to give up and as I did I got even larger and I watched life pass me by. Then something major happened to me. Heart disease stole my father away from me. A horrible disease that runs in my family and I had to take a look at my future. The idea that maybe I would hang onto life long enough to have kids so they can take care of me when I turn 50 and watch me die. I realized that I had sat down and ignored this for so long. I let myself begin to think what the world perseived me as and I am so ashamed of that because I know I can be an incredible person. As I type I have a hard time even admitting that because I am so used to feeling bad about myself.

In September of 2008 I decided to take a stand and recapture a life I had never really lived. I spoke to my doctor about weight loss. To my surprise throughout the years none of my doctors had mentioned my weight to me. I was the one who had to initiate the conversation. I went to a weight specialist doctor who recommended surgery for me. I was so biased against surgery up to this point that I hated the idea because it made me feel like less of a person but I was determined to not follow in my fathers foosteps that I tried to keep an open mind and go to a seminar regarding the surgery. When I got there I was faced with a room full of people like me. Heads down, difficulty fitting in the seats, very drained looking, as if they were afraid to put their hope in yet another weight loss option. When Dr. Mueller began to speak I was instantly intrigued. He spoke of Obesity as a disease and made me think of this in a new light. I won't say this is my genetics and all that bullshit. I realize I had a hand to play in this but too many people had made me think that because I had gotten myself into this situation I had to dig myself out "the hard way". A quote which turns out to be very hurtful. As I watched this presentation I realized that this surgery is a tool to help you make a major life change. It does not lose the weight for you, it helps keep you on track because lets face it we all screw up in life. When I began to think like that, it was like a weight lifted and I was ready to go forward. Whatever it would take to allow me to live. I had so many things I wanted to do and now there was some glimmer of hope that it might be possible.

Now it is July 2009 and I still have not undergone the knife but my health insuarnce company is reviewing the case right now and I hope to have a surgery date in about a month. These past 10 months have been a whirlwind of experiences. Bloodwork, EKGs, X-Rays, psychological evaluations, Doctor monitored diet and that doesn't even include the personal emotional changes. My personality has brightened as I have found hope again. Rather than wishing for things I am now planning them. I realize that regardless of what others think about "taking the easy way out" (which could not be further from the truth) I have found a way to live an enriched full life and possibly avoid the death trap my father and grandparents succumed to. I am proud of the changes I have made and excited for the changes to come. When it comes to my health I won't stop at anything to make it better and people should not be trying to make anyone feel bad about gastric bypass. It is a surgery just like any other to help someone medically to get better and survive. So join me now on my trip to see the emotional and physiological changes this will bring to me.